Posts from — November 2005

The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself.
-Henry Miller

…isn’t that so true?

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I’m feeling soft tonight.
I feel like there are all these little soft spots and empty pockets around me and in me and on me that are yearning to be filled up.
I’m missing places that I wish I could hold onto better, though I know that’s really never the answer.
I’m missing friends who I don’t speak to enough, don’t see enough, don’t laugh with enough.
I’m missing the ones who I fear I’ve let slip away.
I’m missing the ones I’ve held at arms length.
I’m missing the deep, into-the-wee-hours conversations that make you rethink life and the world and what you are doing in the next day or week or hour.
I’m missing freedom and lack of schedules.
I’m missing hours of fresh air each day and sitting to watch the sunlight in the trees change into the gloaming as night approaches.
I’m not sad though.
I just feel soft and a little achey for these things.
Maybe it’s dream time…soft silhouettes and rich colors, sounds we never hear in waking life and fabulous touches unknown in the day…

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Eight Easy Steps
by Alanis Morissette

How to stay paralyzed by fear of abandonment
How to defer to men in solve-able predicaments
How to control someone to be a carbon copy of you
How to have that not work and have them
run away from you

How to keep people at arm’s length
and never get too close
How to mistrust the ones you supposedly
love the most
How to pretend you’re fine and don’t need
help from anyone
How to feel worthless unless you’re serving
or helping someone

I’ll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you’ll never forget
I’ll show you how to in eight easy steps
I’ll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

How to hate women when you’re supposed
to be a feminist
How to play all pious when you’re
really a hypocrite
How to hate god when you’re a pray-er
and a spiritualist
How to sabotage your fantasies
by fears of success

I’ll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you’ll never forget
I’ll show you how to in eight easy steps
I’ll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

I’ve been doing research for years
I’ve been practicing my ass off
I’ve been training my whole life for
this moment I swear to you
Culminating just to be this well-versed
leader before you

I’ll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you’ll never forget
I’ll show you how to in eight easy steps
I’ll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else
How to keep smiling when you’re thinking of
killing yourself
How to numb a la holic to avoid going within
How to stay stuck in blue by blaming
them for everything

I’ll teach you all this in eight easy steps
A course of a lifetime you’ll never forget
I’ll show you how to in eight easy steps
I’ll show you how leadership looks when
taught by the best

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I happened to do this last night…mostly…then saw the Ill Fri topic this morning….

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Ten Favorite Movie Characters (off the top of my head, I’m sure if I thought more these would change)

• Marty, Beautiful Girls (Natalie Portman)
• Igby, Igby Goes Down (Kieran Culkin)
• Amélie, (Audrey Tautou)
• Edward Scissorhands, Edward Scissorhands (Johnny Depp)
• Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything (John Cusack)\
• Randle Patrick McMurphy, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (Jack Nicholson)
• Lisa Rowe, Girl Interrupted (Angelina Jolie)
• Veronica Sawyer, Heathers (Winona Ryder)
• Lestat de Lioncourt, Interview with a Vampire (Tom Cruise)
• Princess Leia, Star Wars (Carrie Fisher)

How should we respond when people disappoint us? Ignore it? Get angry? Get upset? Ignore THEM? Sometimes this is such a confusing situation… And what about when people tend to say things and then at a certain point their actions stop meshing well with their words? Is this just human nature? What about when the ideals and expectations they place on you don’t match those they put on others and those they sometimes place on themselves?

I guess we all do this to an extent. But at what point does it begin to interfere with who we are and what we stand for and respect? At what point are we compromising our expectations and ideals for others? Is this just a part of life and a part of relating with other humans? Imagine other animals behaved in this confusing and exhausting way?

So…how do we distinguish if we are disappointed in someone because we feel threatened in some way or if it’s deserved? Random questions from me today.

The weather is finally getting gloomy… I guess we can’t keep those sunny days in the 60s for too long or it would just be weird. But it sure was nice while it lasted! Autumn does rock! Now if I could just get rid of this sinus infection and cold maybe I can go enjoy it in the form of a hike! Bear Mountain? I’m also craving a day at the beach.

On a good side note, they put up a windmill farm in Atlantic City, NJ! Pretty freaking cool, huh? I was so happy and excited to hear this. Here is some info: http://njwind.com/ For a set amount per month (from $5 to $20 I believe) you can partially supply your power from these windmills. How great is that?!

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So…my “Just for today” calendar says:
“I won’t yell or swear or even mutter under my breath at other drivers”….

Hmmm. Well, this will be tough considering the fact that…

1. I’m driving on the New Jersey Turnpike tonight
2. I’m driving in NJ
3. I’m driving in Bergen County, NJ
4. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night – IF that
5. I feel like poo
6. I have PMS that’s not quite raging but it may be there soon
7. Did I mention I’m tired and I live in NJ?

But….there’s a great chance that this weekend will be one of the most beautiful of the year. Sunny skies, cool autumn breezes, beautiful leaves, crisp breaths.
So that is what I’ll think about. Even today was absolutely gorgeous so I’ll try to breathe in today when some scumbag cuts me off.
I really have to stop using that word but it makes me chuckle everytime I do.

I’m scanning something at 1200 dpi and it’s taking forever…. and green tea with madarine orange rocks my world!

I am babbly. I am done.

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